Footballers With Comical Names

in Straight Red

If you titter every time you hear the name Dean Windass, then this next bit is right up your alley. We don’t know if these guys had parents with a wicked sense of humour or a short-sighted innocence,  but we are grateful either way for their wonderful name choosing skills. Enjoy.

Mark De Man – Irish readers will have heard “mark de man” shouted plenty of times from rural GAA pitch sidelines I’m sure, but Mark De Man is not just a phlegm coated command, he is a Belgian footballer who plays for Stade Bierbeek. He plays mostly as a defensive midfielder, but is equally adept at centre half thankfully.

Norman Conquest – A big tip of the hat goes to Mr and Mrs Conquest of Australia for this piece of genius. What a name. Norman played for his country 11 times between 1947 and 1950, most notably in a game against England where he conceded 17 goals (this is not a lie).

Creedence Clearwater Couto – I would guess this Brazilian footballer was born into a family who were big fans of the Revival’s music, which makes him a fortunate son. He still plays in the Brazilian lower leagues in some extremely hot and dry climates, which makes me wonder…has he ever seen the r…..ah never mind.

Have-A-Look Dube – This epically named footballer is a Zimbabwean star who played for Njube Sundowns. He was far more successful than his brothers Take –A-Shit and Have-A-Wank who both ended up as African amateur porn stars.

Rod Fanni  – This is one for the ladies. Rod plays for Marseille in France, where he raids up and down the right flank looking to find gaps to penetrate whenever he can.

Danger Fourpence – This is my personal favourite. He really does sound like a character from a Bond film: “The game is up Fourpence” (If you didn’t say that in Sean Connery’s voice then you are not my friend). The Zimbabwean defender plays with Kiglon Bird FC, but his best years came during his stint at CAPS Utd FC . There had team-mates with equally brilliantly names including Clever Muzuva, Raymond Undi, Blessing Makunike, Marvel Samaneka, Heavens Chinyama, Givemore Manuella, Gift Makolonio, Method Mwanyazi, Limited Chicafa and Zambian Laughter Chilembe. What a team.

Danny Invincible – Danny is an Australian striker who plays for Army FC in the Thai Premier League. He has managed to score around 60 career goals in over 450 games, which is a bit shit really.

Ralf Minge –East German International Ralf played against England in the early Eighties. He seemed to have decent talent, but his monthly tantrums hampered his progress. It’s all a bit fishy really.

Johnny Moustache – Good old Johnny is one of the stars of Seychelles football.  It’s proving next to impossible to find a photograph of him, but if one turns up and he isn’t sporting a Tom Selleck, I will lose all hope.

Prince Polley – The Ghanaian international was fan favourite during the 90s in the Dutch league and yes, rejoice, Prince Polley once scored a volley. Probably the best day ever in Dutch football.

Ars Bandeet – Now this fella may or may not have existed. Arse was supposedly an Algerian footballer from the 70s, but I couldn’t find any solid information about him anywhere. Urban legend or not, we include him in this list because we hope that the world is just that awesome. Eternal optimism is what Back-Post are all about, except when Phil Jones is playing.

Carlos Costly – This Honduran striker signed on loan for Birmingham City in 2009 which wasn’t a very expensive deal ironically. He currently plays for Gaziantepspor in Turkey where we hope any missed chances on goal don’t prove……important?

Steve Death – Legendary goalkeeper with Reading in the 1970’s, Death set a league record of 1103 minutes without conceding a goal. That record was broken by Edwin Van der Sar in 2009. His brother Sudden failed in his attempts to be a professional footballer.

Dominique Dropsy – Yep, you guessed it, this guy was a goalkeeper. He even made the French squad for the 1978 World Cup and won 17 caps over all for his country. I’m sure journalists at the time were dying for Dominique to drop a clanger or two in a game, but it never happened. Imagine the headlines! “French keeper makes howler”….no wait……

Brian Pinas – Newcastle signed this Dutch winger from Feyenoord in 1998. He made just one appearance before being sold back to the Rotterdam club. Sources close to Newcastle said that he just didn’t have any balls and was a bit of a dick head.

Segar Bastard – Segar played for England around the turn of the 20th Century and also refereed the 1878 FA Cup Final! The talented all rounder also played Cricket for Essex, owned a racehorse and was also a solicitor and ski instructor. The rumours that he had two sons named Dirty and Ugly are un-confirmed.

Bongo Christ – Hopefully you will be as delighted as I was to learn that Bongo is from the Congo. The journeyman forward moved between a lot of lower league clubs in Germany, France and Switzerland, where he only ever managed a handful of games.

Johan De Kock – This Dutch footballer was capped 13 times for his country and played over 400 league games which included a long stint with Schalke in Germany. I’ve already made too many penis jokes in this write up, so I’m not going to come up with another one for this prick.

Bernt Haas – Some will remember this Swiss right back from his days at Sunderland and West Brom, I think he even scored against Man Utd once, but most will remember him for his fantastic name. There is no word play or imagination needed to find the humour in this one, it’s what you get from falling asleep outside on your stomach on a hot day. Both fans and team-mates gave Bernt the nickname “Vindaloo” for obvious reasons.

Two-Boys Gamede – If you had Two-Boys in the team would you have 12 players? The South African speedy forward plays in the USA for the River City Rovers.

by Hugo Manparts

hugo manparts