I love all things football generally but there are a few bits and pieces that cause me to question this love from time to time. Below I have listed a few of them, if you have any suggestions of your own, be sure to leave a comment or else keep them to yourself and bottle up all that fury you have inside for a later date, until the day you slam a 5 year old girls face into your daughters birthday cake for trying to “help” blow out the candles…
Regular readers of Back-Post won’t be shocked by this inclusion and I know some of you Twitter addicts will be up in arms over this one, but when it comes to football, Twitter is the worst invention that utilizes the internet – ever. It is a 99% bullshit machine. From transfer rumours to false stories incriminating football fans or players, to incorrect early team news from “in the knows”, to fake accounts….well like Larry Murphy’s rap sheet, the list goes on and on.
Of course there are some genuine bits of decent info here and there mostly from professional journalists (so stick to reading papers!), but it is so vastly outweighed by the bullshit it renders Twitter a bit useless. Already footballers have got themselves in trouble with stupid remarks on it, and I’m sure it won’t be long till clubs ban their players from using it altogether. No loss.
2. Arty style TV directors
“Show the fucking game!” is a phrase I shout on a regular basis when watching any football match on T.V. Over the past few seasons it seems that all the major companies who broadcast matches, have hired all their directors straight out of Film or Arts School and those mocha sipping hipsters have brought their distinct flavour (the flavour of shit) to how matches are televised.
We are presented with close up shots of each manager for 15 seconds at a time or shots of players in the stands all the while we can hear the crowd reacting to some action on the pitch that we can’t see and we are treated to weird camera angles that distort the action terribly all throughout games.
Again I say “Show the fucking game!”. Little “creative geniuses” Tarquin and Justin have no place in the producers studio, so take your legume and parsley flavored mineral water, your neatly trimmed facial hair, your love of obscure avant garde cinema and fuck right off.
3. Inane co-commentary
O.k. commentators it’s your turn. The game is just 3 minutes old when the commentator says in concerned and dramatic tones “They really haven’t settled in to this game at all, they haven’t had an attack of any real meaning and they just haven’t got going.” Its 3 pissing minutes in for shit sake. 3 pissing minutes.
Then comes the over analysis of nothing moments in the game, a crime regularly committed by the dreadful Mark Lawrenson for example
“If that shot was 2 feet lower and 2 feet to the left, it was in!”
I mean come on, couldn’t the same be said about every shot/pass throughout the game?
“Oooh, if that back pass was at the other end and was a few feet higher and hit with more power, it might have been a goal” – genius. I know they have to fill the silence somehow, but throw out a stat or two if you feel the need to open your trap.
4. Players/Managers who go ballistic at every decision that doesn’t go their way
The perfect example of this is former Stoke manager Tony Pullis, who could be seen on the touchline ranting and raving with arms spread out for most of his sides games. Tony there is no need to shower the fourth official in spittle when your team doesn’t get awarded a throw in on the half way line.
Before he got arse rot, Darren Fletcher used to blow a fuse when any decision went against United and similarly Luis Suarez tends to react in desperate disbelief when he doesn’t win a free kick when anybody tackles him ever and likes to put both hands on his head in a plea for justice but it usually turns out that the man in black isn’t his “negrito”.
Everybody wants to win and protesting the odd major incident in the game is perfectly acceptable, but the vein bulging, saliva rinsing, arm flailing theatrics are unnecessary when you lose the coin toss.
5. Players who don’t work hard/harder
Perfect example: Dimitar Berbatov and Robinho. It’s not their style of play, they aren’t too good to work hard and they are not under strict instructions from managers to not tackle back, they are LAZY.
Now don’t get me wrong sprinting around the pitch trying to close down every opposition player by yourself is not what I am asking for here, I just want a little more effort.
Standing still near the centre circle with hands on hips makes you about as useful as nuns tits (thank you Inbetweeners) and there are many players who just don’t put in a shift (giggity). You are getting paid huge money to be out there, the least you can do is run around a bit.
These “languid, economic with their movement” players are the ones who usually do well enough at a medium sized club before moving for a short stint to some of the big boys, who very quickly ship them out again after witnessing their lethargy first hand.
One fancy assist or spectacular goal every ten games does not make up for nine games of zero effort and frustrated gesticulations when a teammate has the gaul to pass a ball two yards in front of you. Put in a shift for feck sake.
6. Phone Fans
For those of you who are at the game, you simply must stop watching the game through the video camera on your phone. It’s perfectly fine to take a photo or two to remember the occasion, but anything more than that means you are an idiot.
You are right there, you can see the action live! Has it come to the point where the youth of today cannot process information unless is comes via a screen?
Are we approaching a future where people will take photos of their dinner on their phone and download it to their stomachs? If any of you sane match going fans are reading this, next time you see someone watching the match through their phones, slap them. It will feel good and you might just become and over night Youtube sensation.
7. Stupid football chants
“Bristol City, Bristol City FC….we’re by far the greatest team the world as ever seen!”…well you’re not really are you Bristol City? What evidence do you have to support such a bold claim? None? That’s what I thought, fuck you. It’s not just Bristol City fans who sing this, it is a song bellowed out from terraces right across the leagues and even by Arsenal fans.
Get a bit more creative with your chants fans, as 99% of the teams you support are not nor will they ever be the greatest team the world has ever seen and to claim that they are “by FAR the greatest”? Well that nonsense would trend on Twitter…..says it all really.
I hate to get all preachy, but being paid £250,000 a week to play football is not only crazy, it’s immoral. The spiralling wage costs in football are contributing directly to the ordinary fan not being able to go to watch the game they love.
Who is to blame? I guess it’s a combination of international broadcasting companies, agents and clubs themselves.
Through TV revenues, money is pouring into football at an ever increasing rate and the players feel like they are entitled to a large chunk of the money, seeing as, you know, people are paying their subscription and ticket fees to watch them.
Fair enough I guess? Well, not really. The majority of clubs can’t afford to pay these ever increasing wages and we are seeing more and more of them slip into financial difficulty. The solution? Tell footballers to wind their collective necks in and stop being such greedy c*nts. Will FFP help? Maybe, but I’ll wager it will have more loopholes than a Texas hanging tree.
9. Phone in shows
Do they deliberately filter out the people with decent points/opinions in favour of the idiotic ranters? It sure seems like it. When was the last time you heard somebody phone into one of the regular football chat shows, who didn’t come across as a semi-retarded blunderarse?
“I’ve been a United fan since 1965 and I think that Warren Rooney is well out of order and shut shit off along with Narni and Kleberanderson.”
Quality input from regular called Andy from Nuneaton, who manages to get on air every single week. Stop taking the piss and get some decent callers on there to spark a bit of debate. Are the “professionals” afraid of being shown up live on air by more knowledgeable fans? Hmmmm.
10. Soccer A.M.
Just let it die, please please please let it die. Everything about the long running Saturday morning football series is beyond dreadful these days. I guess some people enjoy it, but I’m glad I don’t know any of them.
Tubes, the Hairy Bikers, Rocket, Max, “Hells Bells, you can all fuck right off. Years of re-using the same unfunny jokes and skits have rendered the show a complete car crash. There is a massive opening (giggity) for a new lighthearted football themed program and maybe BT Sport can fill the chasm in August. Here’s hoping.
I actually still watch some of the old sketches from the Tim Lovejoy days on Youtube, which are still hilariously funny, but the show’s modern incarnation has to be watched through your fingers sometimes, given the amount of cringe worthy attempts at humour.
Sometimes I won’t have seen it for a while and I’ll flick it on, forgetting how bad it is. It genuinely ruins my day when that happens.
by Hugo Panparts